satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
You Might Also Like
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌