Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. đ
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you havenât seen since the sixth grade.
just saw a church sign that says, âsanta claus never died for anyone.â and iâm like, âokay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.â
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, Iâm so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Her: Why donât you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Will I understand Charles III if I havenât seen Charles I or II
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and âMom will help!â so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.