Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business