Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Rather alarming headline…
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.