rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Pat is about to own someone
yes… yes…
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course