First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
What kind of a cult is this?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Hell yeah 👍
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.