I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch