A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..