nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.