If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?