Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
This chloroform smells expensiv…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.