Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Phonetics
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Passwords are more important than ever.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.