Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
asked my bf how work was today
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”