The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You Might Also Like
as is their right
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.