[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing