When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]