If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.