If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.