ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.