“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My biological clock is wheezing.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
yall want some gasoline milk
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing