I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there