I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.