Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
You Might Also Like
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.