My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
How can I say no to this ?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon