HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.