Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
White parent Vs Arab parents
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?