What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
True
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Accurate
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’