(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.