4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
the three branches of government
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.