It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
titanic
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.