I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
You Might Also Like
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I saw nothing
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?