Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you