So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me irl
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers