If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You Might Also Like
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.