There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.