I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
You Might Also Like
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
For the ones in the back.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.