#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.