“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
excuse me
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.