Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
honestly, i need both:
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works