Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
A classic…
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
lmao
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager