professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You Might Also Like
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control