That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
i can’t wait that long
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.