Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
You Might Also Like
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Breaking news:
when nothing goes right… go left
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.