I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
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Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH