Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
That was easy.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.