Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
You Might Also Like
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”