[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang