People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here: