Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
buying dead houseplants to save time
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?