If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean